My family drank, fought and drove drunk every weekend, at funerals and during all the holidays. It was the same thing over and over. Growing up, I believed every family drank like this, drinking was a normal part of life in my house and my mom's boyfriend's house. I always felt like I was looking in from the outside and never felt like I was part of anything. It was the early 1960's and I grew up with alot of prejudice. I was the only American Indian in Syracuse, NY, at the time. One morning, I woke up on the couch and knew that something happened to me, I was only four years old. This continued for many more years by serveral different family members and my husband to be. I drank and smoked pot at the age of 10. I drank with my mother at 16 years old, and also had a baby boy. I continuted to drink and take whatever pills I could. My childern were taken from me by the Department of Social Services for 8 months when my son was 8 and my daughter was 8 months. I started to shoot T's & B's. On November 22,1989, my son was blowing off M-80's in the park and he brought one in the house and lit it. I was so drunk and high, I grabbed the M-80 and it blew part of my hand off. My kids were taken again by the Department of Social Services; this time it was two years before they came home. I continued to drink and I started to use cocaine. I did not want to stop doing drugs. I drank for the next ten years and spent many nights in jails, detox and attended inpatient treatment. I was 43 years old when I walked out of jail for the last time and recieved 5 years of probation. But this still didn't stop me! I was on probation for less that 3 months when I was ordered to go back to treatment, which is something I never wanted to do again. I crawled back to the Partridgehouse with the worse feelings of guilt and shame I have ever had. I stayed and went to the womens shelter for 3 months. I continued to go to meetings everyday, I got a sponser and did whatever I needed to let go of the past. I was offered a job in the rehab and worked there for almost six years. I was terminated from the job and then I left the area. I still go to meetings and I am a full time student going for my BA in Psychology. I am going on 8 years clean and I feel great. I have watched all my grandchildern come into the world with straight eyes; that is a gift all by itself. I am alive to see, touch, hold, hug, listen, and do what the Creator has in store for me.