My name is Michael S., and I fully and finally accept the reality that I will forever have to live in recovery as an addict. As far back as I can remember, from my earliest childhood days, I always wanted and felt the need to be seen and accepted by others for more then I was. I wanted to have respect and acceptance by what seemed to be the “in crowd.” I hung out past my curfew, drank alcohol and smoked marijuana. Hanging out late in local house parties, ultimately led to my flunking out of high school and being kicked out of my Grandmother’s home. I never once blamed my mother’s murder when I was four years old, or my dad’s demise when I was 19, as the reason I made the choices I did.

Being arrested numerous times never had the effect on me like the choice I am making today. I have been homeless for three to four years in New York City. I have gone without cleaning and bathing, but my insanity allowed me to believe I was accepted and respected by society.

Today I see myself falling into the same cycle. I'm allowing myself to pursue a career in Rap just to fill those same voids of wanting to be accepted and respected. I can't allow myself to slip again. I have a wife and children who truly love me. There is nothing in the world I would not do to keep that love. I have to change, because I do not want to live in a world of loneliness, be homeless or become incarcerated again. I have walked those paths too many times. I had to finally see my bottom to understand. My bottom was going to a club two nights in a row just to feel like I existed. No, I did not use drugs, but my old attitude could lead me down that path again. I am weakened by my own selfish needs.

My recovery is my only strength to protect me from my weakness. When I stole from my older sister as a teen, I was weak. When I disobeyed my grandmother—the only mother I have ever known—I was weak. When I broke the law, I was weak. For the love of my wife and children, I can no longer be weak. Everything I stand for from this day forward has to be truly and sincerely for them. I have to allow myself to win today and be a role model by example. There is no greater joy in this world than to be a true testament that recovery works 110% for a positive lifestyle. Sincerely, Michael S.