Married and a mother of four, I was active and well thought of in my small home town. I functioned at a very high level and everyone thought that I had it superbly together.

As the secrets and pain of my "real" life got heavier, I retreated further and further into my escape-gambling. When every stock, bond, 401k and all savings were gone, I was deep in the throes of gambling. I started to take New York State Lottery tickets from my employer. Eventually, I was caught and arrested and facing 3 1/3 to 8 years in prison. I took a plea agreement that would guarantee me no jail time. I had to pay restitution and serve 5 years probation.

One of my conditions of probation was to join a Gamblers Anonymous group which I had already done at my eldest daughter’s insistence. At a point, my sponsor as well as my Godfather, felt that I needed counseling. I was resistant at first, but I eventually started. I was assigned to a New York State Certified Gambling Treatment Counselor. I met with her weekly and sometimes more for the next 4 years. Since 2006, I have been on a maintenance schedule with her, seeing her every 4 to 6 weeks.

The personal and public fallout from my addiction to gambling has reshaped my life forever. It was embarrassing and hard for my family as my crime became public. Financially, I have dug a hole that I will never recover from. In a small town where I was an elected member of the local school board and active in organizations, people I once considered friends now turn away from me if we happen to cross paths.

I have worked hard to recover and make a “new” life post gambling. There was a time when I thought the only solution was to end my life, end my pain and free those I love from my mistakes. I was lucky to have a therapist who closely monitored me and had me admitted to a psychiatric hospital for treatment before I could “finish” my plan.

In recent years, my family has grown by three granddaughters and I have returned to college to finish an associate’s degree. My life is different, but it is honest and real, gone is the fantasy that gambling held for me. My world is very small because if there ever was a litmus test for real friends-commit a felony and you will see your Christmas card list dwindle substantially. Even some family relationships are strained or now absent.

I have developed strong coping skills in therapy to manage my life and not gamble when stressors occur in my life. I accept what I have done and the consequences-does it hurt inside sometimes-sure. I know the things I can change and those that I cannot-accepting it is not always easy.